My Child Has Been Eaten by Aliens
My kid has obviously been eaten by an alien and replaced with a really convincing replica.
Nothing else makes sense. I didn't notice anything unusual until Friday. The new boy looked just like Big Pants. He sounded like Big Pants. He even fought with his brother and pouted just like Big Pants.
But the Aliens got one or two things wrong.
Last week Big Pants made a startling comment as we drove to school.
BIG PANTS: Mama, I want to talk about my allowance.
MAMA: OK. (Thinking, great, he's gonna shake me down for more $$.)
BIG PANTS: Well, we used to do chores for our allowance. Now we don't do chores and we still get allowance. I don't think that's fair. I think we need to do more chores.
DING! DING! DING! This is not a human child. This child has obviously been switched by a higher race that believes in equity and compassion towards Mamas.
But it got worse, much worse.
He used to be a regular child. He cried when he didn't get all of my attention every minute of every day. He refused to eat vegetables. He said he would rather smell the dog's breath than do just one math problem.
I'm not sure when the switch happened. Perhaps it was when he got the free hot towel at SportsClips.
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| Aliens may use hot towels to lure their victims. |
Perhaps it was when he had an MRI this past September and stayed in that tube for 45 minutes.
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| I didn't notice anything peculiar. |
But it happened, believe me. On Friday I picked the boys up from school. Here's what happened.
TINY PANTS: Do we have school tomorrow?
MAMA: No, tomorrow is Saturday.
TINY PANTS: Yay!
BIG PANTS: Yay! But, also not yay. Because we don't get to go school tomorrow.
Dee dee dee deee….. I should have been suspicious when he started loving math.
I'm taking no chances with his brother. One alien replicated boy is enough.
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| Bubble wrapped for his own protection. |